My struggle with technology and with me

Today I woke up early again and discovered two things that are on world scale not important, but can for me make a difference between a good morning and one less fine. Both my photo camera and my discman decided to give me troubles. Now for all who know me a little in relation to technology: it is not a happy relationship. With technology I feel like the beaten up woman in the movie that Carolinas mother saw yesterday, who never knows why she is going to be beaten up again, but knows she will be and cannot do anything to defend herself.
Yes, it may sound a little exagerated I know, but that is my relationship to technology. At best, I am enjoying its services, but always anxiously knowing that it is not going to last for long...
Then it also gives me anger, as nowadays tools are designed in such a way, that you cannot repair them either. At best you can send them to let them be repaired for you, but it will almost never be worth the money and I feel really bad about throwing away things.
At last, I decided that it is probably not the lense of the camara, but just the part through which you look that has some scratches on it, and that anyhow I always forget to make photos, so that was settled. Second, I will borrow a disman from Carolinas mother so that I can play me the music that helps me feel at home.
But I had already entered in "bad head space" as my friend Hugh would say. I started thinking about why these machines never last long in my hands, that for sure I do something to them. That now I was going to have to by even more batteries, that are bad for the environment etc. etc. Of course ending up with the thought that I was only spoiling this earth, not contributing anything. That why on earth did I come to this country, not being able to do anything useful here, just being a burden.... that I was probably never going to do anything useful, that anyhow all my efforts would be undone again by others....

Luckily, I know this struggle with myself too good by now to let me be caught up in it entirely. So I listen to Sopa de Cabra, cry and think of all the people that love me and support me, think of how I am very young and have all the time ahead of me to learn... Think of my little niece Lucia and how she gets up happily every time she falls, trying very hard to walk steadily.
Think of that cold, lonely winter in Spain two years ago, about how I was staying with all these same feelings of guilt and uselesness. And how I woke up one morning then to the blossoming almond trees, and felt that maybe we do not need such big reasons for living. That maybe I should think of me as one of those trees, that do not question their existence and simply live...

And so I went out on the street and saw how the happy dead skeletons at the ofrendas of the Day of the Deaths se burlaban de mi (mocked me?). And I bought rubber boots for the Chapalean mud, tickets for the bus of tomorrow night to San Cristobal and gave my biggest smile to boy behind the desk.